Monthly Archives: December 2013

The agony and the ecstasy of parenthood: When college kids come home

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Home sweet home photo by essie

Home sweet home photo by essie

The agony and the ecstasy of parenthood is reflected in the transition milestone of parenting a child who reaches the age of majority.  If you are a parent of a college student you are in the thick of it. If you are a parent of a college-bound child, this is your future. Either way, being a POCS (Parent Of a College or college-bound Student) is challenging.

By the middle of December, semesters are drawing to a close, students are taking finals and colleges are closing their doors for up to a month and a half. Parents across the nation are dealing with higher food bills, increased laundry, and general schedule disruption, as their college students return home for the holiday break.

Just when moms have finally gotten used to scaling meals down to the new normal number of plates at the table, the quantity of dinner guests rises. Then there is the last minute bolting because the college student receives a last-minute better offer from one of her peers.

I call it the college parent balancing act: family hierarchy vs. independent adult child. 

Readjusting to family life can be challenging. Here are 3 tips to ease the transition:

1. House rules Have a family meeting to make and commit to house rules. Use texts, emails or phone calls before the family gathers or do it in person at the beginning of the stay.

  • First, brainstorm a list of family resources, chores and facilities available for use (kitchen, bath, den, laundry, car, etc.).
  • Second, listen to everyone’s wish use list so all hear each other’s desires and needs.
  • Third, agree on house rules about family chores and use of facilities/resources.
  • Fourth, write them down for all to sign. 

2. Regular communication With everyone’s input, establish a schedule of routine meals together and expected courtesy check-ins by agreed upon method of communication (texts, emails, phone calls). Jointly establish flexibility parameters for changes in schedules so expectations and reality can meet without stress.

3. Plan some family fun Make the most out of the time together and create memories that will spark enthusiasm for future gatherings. Brainstorm activities, time, and place so all are invested in having a wonderful time. Get reacquainted and enjoy each other’s company.

Respecting each other’s personal space and enjoying family togetherness can become a habit that continues after the children leave the nest altogether.

Happy Holidays!

Wednesday’s Parent: 7 holiday stress-busters

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Happy Holidays. Photo by melissa brawner mel5545

Happy Holidays. Photo by
melissa brawner mel5545

 “Well,” said Pooh, “what I like best,” and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn’t know what it was called. ~A.A. Milne

Anticipating and experiencing the holidays are not always as joyful as the season’s promise of good will and cheer. Stress from time crunches, anxiety from expectations, and pressure from commitments could even turn over Winnie-the-Pooh’s honied holiday table if he was a parent.

The ideal gathering of food, fun, family and friends is the goal but the reality of obligations, conflicting personalities and extra baggage make it hard to achieve. For example, is one of these children sitting at your holiday table:

  • A college-bound student with a full schedule of school work and extracurriculars is overwhelmed with the addition of college preparation activities.
  • A high school senior hoping for college acceptance but fearing rejection is nonstop irritable.
  • A returning college student enjoying her independence is unhappily reminded of her dependence at home.

If so, you are a POCS, a Parent Of a College or College-bound Student, and have vicarious college choice worries including location, cost and proper fit.

It is possible for all family members to hold back the negative, reinforce the positive, enjoy the holidays and welcome the New Year with these seven holiday stress-busters that can be used anytime:

1. Manage time Organize and prioritize to stay healthy and achieve step-by-step goals. Procrastination is the enemy so create a time management plan filled with breaks to bust the stress like this 3 easy step college-bound time management plan. Also include proper meals, hydration, exercise, and sleep which are often stress victims.

2. Form a team Form a parent-student team to tackle issues and chores. Family means no need to go it alone. Lower anxiety with teamwork for common goals, mutual support, appreciation, inspiration and respect.

3. Open communication Holding it in can lead to an explosion. Texting and emailing are fast ways to communicate but a good old-fashioned heart-to-heart talk goes deeper to relieve pressures. The goal is to calmly verbalize (choose person or people, time and place wisely) stress-causing thoughts and emotions for better understanding. If stress can’t be eliminated, focus on altering reactions to it.

4. Ask for help If it seems your to-do list is overwhelming, it’s time for all family members to step up and pitch in to help. Tap into the collective family smarts to divvy up tasks, brainstorm issues and find solutions. (See #2).

5. Re-imagine Count to ten, take some deep breaths, and mentally go to your “happy place” when stress is high. Then plan something fabulous to look forward to and trade anxiety for happy thoughts.

6. Be a model Make a decision to set a great example with a positive attitude. Life is full of challenges and joys. Tackle the former with good humor and remember the latter to put stress into perspective because time has a habit of flying by whether we are stressed or not.

7. Have fun Make lemonade from lemons. Fun and laughter are great stress relievers so find it in every activity. Think like Mary Poppins and incorporate a bit of fun and funny.  Enjoy being together, listen to music, watch a comedy, laugh, sing it out, take a walk, have a great conversation, and complete a task. Then celebrate your accomplishments…even the small ones!

Wishing you a very happy, healthy and stress-free holiday and New Year!

Read on for Suzanne’s comments and prepare for holiday stress-busting.

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Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety. Each Wednesday Suzanne Shaffer and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from www.pocsmom.com to http://www.parentscountdowntocollegecoach.com/ and vice versa.

Wednesday’s Parent: Button pusher’s resistance guide to parenting

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Pushing buttons sounds the alarm. Photo by Alan Cleaver.

Pushing buttons sounds the alarm. Photo by Alan Cleaver.

It’s like a yummy pastry after a feast. You want it but know there may be unpleasant consequences if you get it. That’s the dilemma parents face when they want to give some choice advice to their teen after years of parenting about the issue.

Some topics push buttons and both parents and children react. Emotionally it feels like an alarm that keeps ringing. This changes a teachable moment into a lesson in frustration for all. Sometimes, parents’ own buttons are pushed. The result isn’t any better.

Everyone has a sensitive spot or two but there are ways to get a point across without being a button pusher. Communication takes desire and effort but if the parenting goal is to prepare children to be good adult decision makers, then the future is is based on staying in the loop.

This is especially true during the college process. If a student is not vested in a task’s outcome, from studying for a college admission test to searching for colleges and from applying and accepting admission to graduating, parents cannot expect them to do their best.

Here are 12 ways to resist the button push and spark a dialogue:

  1. Ask a question to start a conversation instead of making a statement that turns into a lecture.
  2. Keep your tone and facial expression neutral, interested and nonjudgemental. It’s not always words but body language and how it’s said.
  3. Trade places mentally to feel your own reaction to words about to be uttered.
  4. Stop, think and rephrase before blurting out if you sound like your own parent.
  5. Solicit an opinion in lieu of stating a fact.
  6. Provide and request honest feedback.
  7. Be prepared to put on “listening ears” even if you are not crazy about what you hear.
  8. Watch and see. Soon your child won’t be so easy to check up on so let him test drive independent decision making while you can watch.
  9. Focus on the positives. Make a list if you must to keep you on track.
  10. Take five before starting or continuing if things go south.
  11. Exchange compliments. It’s a great ego-booster.
  12. Get advice from a third person you both respect and has the credentials to advise on such issues.

Let me know your additions to my Button pusher’s resistance guide to parenting after reading Suzanne’s suggestions.

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Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety. Each Wednesday Suzanne Shaffer and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from www.pocsmom.com to  http://www.parentscountdowntocollegecoach.com/ and vice versa.

Wednesday’s Parent: Social media makeover

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Social Media makeover. Photo by Kathleen Donovan

Social Media makeover. Photo by Kathleen Donovan

I’m beginning to think of the social media community as life in the fourth dimension. When time is added to our real three dimensional world, our past, present, and future social media virtual selves exist simultaneously. Everything that was and is posted and pictured can pop up in one fell swoop.

Whether you are a parent or student, it’s probably worth your time to take a look at yourself the way others can and be ready for a social media makeover.

Here are the who, what and why for a social media makeover:

Who needs a social media makeover

If you use social media, you should engage in some self-reflection by reviewing your information. Think of social media as the new calling card. Ask yourself if you like what you see, does it pass the Grandma test, and how to better portray your image.

What is a social media makeover

You can’t give your social media a new hairstyle and outfit but that doesn’t mean you can’t give it a makeover. After reviewing your postings, photos and profiles, remove, rewrite and self-censor going forward if they don’t enhance your personal brand.

Why social media makeover

Employers, teachers, college admission staff, relatives, friends, foes, and strangers may have access to your postings. If they can harm your future prospects, you need a social media makeover.

A poor social media impression can be devastating but a bit of self-monitoring can provide a fresh look and outlook for your social media makeover.

Read on for Suzanne’s social media suggestions.

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Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety. Each Wednesday Suzanne Shaffer and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from www.pocsmom.com to  http://www.parentscountdowntocollegecoach.com/ and vice versa.